where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
