The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
