One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You made out with two different species that night
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
