I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
