I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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