He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
