Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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