Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
