I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize