My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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