I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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