You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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