she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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