i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
