My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
