I can tuck mytits in my pants
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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