i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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