I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
