Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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