Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
