I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
