i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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