I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
