Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
