Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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