Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
