3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
