yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
