I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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