i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
