help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
My life is pants optional.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
