Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Randomize
