Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
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