She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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