I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
