hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
