If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
