all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
