I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
