I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
