I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I would ride that face into the sunset
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
