He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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