Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
