I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Why is your signature on my underwear?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
