So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
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