i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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