Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
