If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
