I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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