cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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