woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
