drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
