i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
