the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Randomize
