My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
