I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
