I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
