She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
