I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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