Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
