hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
