Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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