I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Floor bacon is actually really good
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
