____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
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