Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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