Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
